Veintecinco Cosas

I am shocked that my readership has fallen off dramatically ever since I stopped posting on a regular basis. It has been a long time since I was regular. (And here, of course, is where all of us pause and look around at each other in the big circle we’re sitting in and think about Metamucil or Fiber One or super-special organic twig tea with natural digestive properties and try really hard not to smirk, and where I eventually can’t stand the suspense anymore and am compelled to be the one to say something.) So, in order to get the ball rolling again, this time perhaps for real, I offer for your enjoyment something I posted as a “Note” (capital N!) on Facebook (yes, Facebook) a billion years ago — or January 29, 2009, whichever was last.
So, without further ado or adon’t, here, in its hilarious entirety, is a list of 25 things about me. This will be of great interest to everyone, particularly those of you who have been reading my stuff for the past seven and a half (OMG!) years and have been aching in your soul and pancreas for an “About Me” section. I trust these 25 items will answer any questions you have about me.
And now, we part the green curtains …
* * *
Okay, all right, I give up. I give in. I’ve been tagged for this “25 Random Things” poppycock quite a few times by people who should know me better than to think I’d do this without kicking and screaming and wishing very bad things on them. (Please note, however, that contrary to the “rules” of this thing, I am not “tagging” 25 other people to do this, because I like when my friends like me.) It is not my nature to “go with the flow”, as you may already know; indeed, I prefer to take the route of the salmon, swimming upstream at great expense to my stability.
So, without further ado, here are 25 random things about me, in no particular order of importance or hilarity.

  1. I will not judge you by your job.
  2. I will judge you by your feet.
  3. I think anyone who says “I’m just a big kid” needs to be spanked big-time — and not in a good way.
  4. Even as a kid, I knew the suburbs sucked.
  5. I have a filthy fucking mouth. But I know when not to indulge it, e.g. I will not say “fuck” in front of your grandmother, unless she says it first.
  6. I believe there is indeed such a thing as a stupid question.
  7. I used to be a phone sex operator, but I will not tell you what my “handle” was.
  8. I do not understand why people like “spoilers”. I will not even watch a movie trailer, because I don’t want to know what’s going to happen.
  9. I smile at or say “Hi, puppy” to every dog I see. Yes. Every.
  10. I will not make fun of someone for something he or she cannot change. I cannot say the same for things that can be changed.
  11. I do not understand the appeal of white walls, white sheets, or white milk.
  12. I love reading takeout menus.
  13. I know “Once you go black you never go back” to be false.
  14. I love eggplant parmigiana, french fries, and Diet Coke beyond all reason.
  15. In elementary school, I would read books during recess. I carried a dictionary with me at all times. In fourth grade, a recess “monitor”, an adult, confiscated my books and told me recess was not for reading. I wanted her to die on the spot. I hope she is dead now.
  16. I cannot bear to see books in the trash.
  17. If you refer to your tits as “the girls”, I will have to punch you.
  18. I am not generally a fan of hot beverages. The only way I really like coffee is in the form of my “concoction”: an enormous glass of refrigerated coffee to which I add about half a cup of chocolate soy milk, a splash of plain soy creamer, and three packets of Splenda. (N.B. If you feel compelled to tell me I “shouldn’t” use Splenda, please resist from indulging that compulsion.)
  19. I work out five pre-dawn mornings a week for about two hours a day. I will not discuss my workouts with you unless you ask, and even then, I will do so grudgingly and try to switch the topic to french fries, dogs, or shoes.
  20. I loathe “status symbols.” If you carry a “logo” handbag, I lose respect for you immediately.
  21. I cannot stand French manicures or pedicures. If your nails are long enough for there to be “tips”, please avail yourself of an implement with which to trim them. Do not draw attention to them by emphasizing the whiteness.
  22. I cannot stand the sound of people unwrapping candy at the movies.
  23. If I can hear you breathing, you are too close to me. Step away.
  24. People who take “power naps” rankle the hell outta me. If you’re going to take a nap, make it a siesta.
  25. I understand more Spanish than I let on, so be careful what you say in front of me, mis amigos.
  26. * BONUS * I know that commas should go inside the quotation marks, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It was difficult enough for me to put the periods inside the quotation marks.

Thank you, and good night.