Pain in the Ash

Imagine my surprise when this afternoon I received an email from Ashley, the nicest, sweetest, sincerest girl I haven’t ever met.
Ash writes:

Hey, I have you on my buddy list ??? I have been having this account for a long time and I need to cancell it and open a new account. I am sorry if I do not remember talking to you, but I have a ton of people on my buddy list and you were one of the ones I can’t remember meeting.
Also, if you don’t know me you might know my roommate Jen, she uses my account and may have added you. My ex-boyfriend Johnny is cyber stalking me so i need to set up a new aol name, so if you know me you can e-mail me at: Ashley@***.com so i know i get your mail and i will add you to my new aol account. If you do not remember me either I have some pictures on my homepage http://***/profiles/ashley20/ they might help you remember me.
Talk to ya later,
Oh, if you do not know who I am and you can not remember me then I can only tell you that i am cute and single and you might want to get to know me better. If you do not like cute girls then fine have it your way please click here and i will make sure me nor my friends will never e-mail you again, ever !

Just a few things:

  • I don’t associate with people by the name of “Ashley”. But if a friend of mine were so unfortunate as to have parents who did that to her, you’d better fucking believe she would’ve changed it, years ago, to something decidedly less cutesy, such as “Tiffani”.
  • All of my friends know how to spell “cancel”.
  • My friends know me better than to ever write the word “ya”.
  • I simply cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t know how to punctuate.
  • Run-on sentences make me bleed from the ears.
  • Oy fucking vey iz mir: “i will make sure me nor my friends will never e-mail you again, ever !”

Aside from those things, though, I think we would really get along, ’cause you know me … I love the cute, single girls!