Don’t say it. Don’t even think it. I know it’s almost impossible to not fill in the blank, just as it’s impossible to leave off the “two bits” part of the “Shave and a haircut” jingle.
When I used to work in offices, I dreaded the Friday morning elevator ride even more than I dreaded the ride every other weekday morning. (Long Aside: I believe in silence on the elevator. The elevator is not the place to discuss what a dickhead your boss is, or what you watched on TV last night, or what you bought your kids on sale at Target. Or anything else. Oh, and don’t even try to engage me in conversation once the doors are closed. Just bow your head, examine the tips of your shoes, and shut up. Don’t hum. Or whistle.)
As I was saying … I dreaded the Friday morning elevator ride. Invariably I’d either overhear or actually be personally greeted with “Thank God It’s Friday!!!” or, perhaps even worse, the handy acronym, “TGIF!!!” And then everyone else on the elevator would laugh and/or sigh as if they hadn’t already heard the exclamation twenty times already, even at 8:58 a.m.
Of course, the greeting (and thus my dread) wasn’t just limited to the morning elevator ride. And it wasn’t just limited to exchanges between people who actually knew each other. No, it was an all-day refrain, and everyone, from the FedEx delivery person to the new temp waiting to be walked back to her spot, was a cheerful participant. Except for me. I was neither a participant nor turn-that-frown-upside-down, every-sentence-punctuated-with-an-invisible-exclamation-point cheerful. Just. couldn’t. do. it.
So now I no longer work in an office, and I go to the gym way too early for anyone to be awake enough to speak at all let alone offer a spirited “TGIF!!!” The only person I speak to before 9:00 a.m. is myself, so I know I can escape the platitude. (Unless, of course, I’ve forgotten my “meds”, and one of my alternate personalities, such as the irrepressibly bright-eyed Brandi, catches me off-guard.)
I don’t miss the “hey, we’re all in the same boat” solidarity that “TGIF!!!” engendered. But I’m not a complete spoilsport. I’m not totally anti-social (despite impressions to the contrary), and because after enough caffeine I actually enjoy engaging strangers in conversation, I’ve decided that I’m going to indulge in a little platitude of my own creation. It, too, has an acronym counterpart, so it should catch on quickly.
What is it? Well, it’s sort of along the lines of “TGIF!!!” but appropriate only for Mondays. It’s FIM!!! which is short for “FUCK! IT’S MONDAY!” But unlike “TGIF”, which is quite a jumbled mouthful, it’s an acronym that, like “scuba”, can actually be fashioned into a real word.
So if you see me on the street this coming Monday, and you have nothing else to say because you don’t know me but you feel compelled to say something anyway, just offer me a hearty “FIM!!!” And say it like you mean it.