I have so many little slips of paper floating around my desk on which I’ve scrawled phrases and sentences that have no hope of ever becoming full-fleged posts. Rather than keep deluding myself into believing that someday I’ll make something of them, thus prolonging the procrastination even more than I already have, I thought I’d just toss a few random ideas about here so I can finally toss out the scraps of paper. These tidbits are swirling around my desk like the loose dollar bills that, on some old game show, flew around inside a glass-enclosed booth, eluding the desperate flailing hands of the contestant who didn’t mind making a national jackass of himself for a bank-busting $36.

  • I hate when someone starts to say something, and then stops mid-sentence or mid-thought, and says, “Ehhh … never mind.” What I hate more is when it’s clear that the person wants me to then beg, “What? What? What were you going to say???”
  • There should be some sort of quality control on ATMs so that I don’t have to figure out which way the card has to be inserted. Same goes for the locked doors through which I have to gain entry to use the ATMs in the first place. Fumbling around with the card just screams, “Hey! Please prey on me!”
  • Patchouli should be banned.
  • I want someone to invent a portable device, like a CD player, that would replace offensive odors with something else of the wearer’s choosing. Of course, the invention would “play” the replacement aroma only for the person wearing the portable device, just like with a CD player. But unlike the personal CD player, there would be no way to turn up the “volume” so as to disturb other people.
  • Why does the Chinese language always sound so angry?
  • I hate seeing evidence that someone has been reading in the bathroom. What I hate even more are reading materials and magazine racks designed for such a purpose.
  • For some retarded reason, I’m always flattered when foreigners ask me to take their pictures.
  • I love when someone on the street asks me for directions. I feel all “proud” when I can say, “Sixth Avenue is that way” or “You take the N or R to 59th, and then transfer to the 6, which will take you to 77th.” Contrary to what you may believe, I have never purposely misguided someone. There is the chance, however, that I did inadvertently give an old lady on the subway directions to Lincoln Center when she asked for Rockefeller Center, but I’m not really sure. I just hope she didn’t think I did it on purpose.
  • It is actually someone’s job to design stuff such as napkins and scissors.
  • Seeing someone on stilts always make me laugh.
  • I wish people would stop saying “shit-eating grin”. When I eat shit, I don’t smile, let alone grin.

Well, this relieved me of a very impressive four small slips of paper. What an accomplishment. I still have a stack of papers, pamphlets, and other sundry unsorted stuff that I must tend to today, while I’m in the frame of mind to do it. Otherwise, it will sit there for another month, and mock me, saying, “Didn’t you say you wouldn’t let this happen again, after the last time you had to go through a similar stack of sundry garbage?” I want to put everything in its place before it puts me in mine.