That’s right. Yours. And yours. And yes, even yours … you, in the back of the room, sneaking peeks at the latest issue of “Hole” magazine behind your Social Studies book.
I need your help.
You see, I’ve been out of “whack” lately. (No hilarious masturbation comments. Believe me, I’ve already thought of ’em. So I beat you to the punch. And yes, I realize that “beat” can be construed as masturbatory, too, so … don’t even think about it.)
Anyway, as I was saying … I have been out of whack. What’s been happening is that I’ve been staying up waaay too late. Sometimes as late as 2:30 a.m. And it’s not because I’ve been out PARTYING or CLUBBING with all the cool kidz, shaking my fabulous boo-tay and tatas and whatnot with all the hip ‘n’ swingin’ groovesters who stumble down my street at 3:30 a.m. singing loudly and thinking they’re cute. No, it’s because I’ve just been “off”. My energy, man. My energy is out of sync. (Don’t make a Bass out of yourself and say I need to get back *NSYNC, OK? Thank you.)
I need to get back into my Benjamin Franklin mode. “Early to bed …”. You know the deal. I must make sure I’m in bed no later than 11:00 p.m. so I can wake up at 5:00 a.m., get my fiiine ass (and the rest of me) in gear, and start my days earlier. Get to the gym at 5:45. The old routine. Not this alternate version that has me feeling like I’m wearing someone else’s shoes. (P.S. Wearing someone else’s shoes is kinda gross. Something about it just makes me feel a little green in the face.)
So you can help me by doing this: If you see any indication that I am online late into the night a/k/a wee hours of the morning — a hilarious new entry “fresh-baked” at 11:52 p.m. or a comment on someone else’s site, or, for those of you who have my AIM or MSN screen names, if you see I have not yet signed off — please send me an email telling me to get the fuck to bed. Remind me that I’m going to hate myself the next morning when I wake up “late”.
Because, you see, if you help me, you’ll be helping YOURSELF. That’s right. If I get myself in gear early, I can get back to the apartment by 7:45 or so and have a fabulous new entry waiting for you when you get to work. And I ask you … what better incentive is there?
Thank you. Thank me.