Now that everyone is deeply enmeshed within the web of holiday hoopla — decking their halls, jingling their bells, jangling their balls, and engaging in all other manner of decorative and celebratory mayhem — the time is right to finally get yourself that Hideously Embarrassing Item that you’ve been putting off buying because you just couldn’t bring yourself to be seen in public with it any other time of the year.
So now’s the time to boldly grab Justin Timberlake’s masterpiece without fear of public censure. “Yeah, well, this is for my 14-year-old niece in Albuquerque,” you’ll say with a chuckle as you slide it across the counter to the cashier, who really couldn’t give a fuck, flying or otherwise. And no one will have to know that you don’t even have a niece, let alone one who lives in New Mexico.
“I don’t want the twins to fight over it, so I’m buying two bottles of J. Lo’s fabulous new fragrance!” you’ll say with a wink to the girl behind the perfume counter at Wal-Mart.
“For a little boy, I’d go with the light blue dildo,” the man in the back of the store will say as you hand him your purchase. “Trust me”.
Or you can be like the woman who lumbered onto the subway the other day (the same day, yes, that I saw Madame Lucky Strike), about 42 years old, so plain as to elude description or attention except for the cumbersome plastic-wrapped bundle of 15 rolls of Bounty paper towel (white, no design) that she dragged into the car. One hand rested atop her prized acquisition, and the other clutched a wad of coupons torn from drug store circulars. All for Bounty. Bonuses. Deals. Buy one, get one. Buy two, get one. Buy 15, hit the jackpot. Yeah!
At any other time of the year, someone who rides the subway wouldn’t really be found travelling with such a load. And when you live in the city, with space at a premium and closets a commodity, it just doesn’t make sense to buy anything in bulk. But now, with Christmas breathing sour eggnog stench down our necks (or yours, really, since I don’t buy into it), well, anything goes.
But something tells me that the Bounty bonanza wasn’t for the woman’s household. No, something tells me that each individually-wrapped roll is going to find its way under the tree, wrapped up all pretty-like with a shiny bow on top and a paper tag sharing the bow’s adhesive. And then, when everyone tears the festive wrapping paper from his or her special present, there will be a merry little mutiny on the bounty.
Tip: Individual sheets make great stocking stuffers. Or nice rewards for yourself, for a shopping day well spent.