The following is a list of items in which I have less than zero interest, so please, everyone — from those near and dear to me to those whose names I’ll forget as soon as you turn your back — stop asking me if I have done them, seen them, heard them, or any other past participle them.

• The latest Harry Potter movie. Make that any Harry Potter movie. Same goes for the books.
• The Sopranos. And please stop saying “Fuggeddaboutit.”
• The Osbournes. My interest is stillborn.
• Star Wars. Original, sequel(s), or “prequel”. I can get the same effect from Nyquil, without being in the company of doofi.
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer
• Xena
• Any entertainment that calls itself a “period piece” and features period costumes. Extra cringes if “American” actors speak in proper, stilted English. (Think “Age of Innocence”.)
• Any movie in which cars do not appear.
• The Vagina Monologues. On the other hand, Cuntversations, my own off-off-Broadway production, is fantastic, and I suggest you see it if you haven’t already. (Contact me for details.)
• Survivor. Also, The Real World.
• Anything having to do with The Lord of the Rings. Book, movie, whatever. That “Elvish” language thing really I-mor na hidberon Qeyalda parno Javezhis sordanim! Right??
• “NaNoWriMo”. ThGoItDe.