Decent Proposal

There’s nothing that makes me want to scoop someone’s eyes out with a mellon baller more than public marriage proposals. Daytime talk show proposals are nauseating enough, but the ones that really make my spleen spin are those done at baseball games and broadcast onto those huge screens for all the stadium and all the universe to see. Gotta love these supremely cocksure exhibitionist soon-to-be-grooms. And the blushing brides-to-be who just can’t say no.
So, with that in mind, I know it comes as a shock to you to see my proposal here. I never said I was consistent or logical. (Some of you have insisted that I be consistent, but what’s the point in being predictable? Where’s the passion? If you want predictability, go do some multiplication tables off in a corner somewhere while you drink juice from a sip-it box.)
And now … the proposal.

My love:
Hello. How are you? May I tell you how beautiful you are, and how lovely? Although you are not before me now, or beside me, you are in my heart as always, and there, where you reside, you are always ravishing.
I have been trying to put into words everything I feel about you, my darling, but words, I find, are failing me. I know that surprises you because ordinarily when we’re together the words can’t flow quickly enough. How do I tell you what you are to me, how happy you make me? How no matter what, you’re always there for me, to lift me up when I’m down, to bring me back to life when I feel like one foot’s in the grave and the other’s dipping its toe in and is soon to follow.
When I was younger, I was always looking for someone “hot”. And I found him. And many others like him. All the girls liked them. I did too. For a while. I couldn’t get enough. But still, something was always missing. As I grew older, my tastes changed, and I eventually came to realize that the hotter someone was, the less I was interested. Then you came along and changed my life forever.
When you’re with me, my sweet, my heart races and I feel I can conquer the world. I want to spend every morning with you. I want you beside me throughout the day. I want to share the rest of my life with you. You are a part of me. The best part of me.
You’re not just the cream in my coffee, you are it.