Exercising a Little Common Scents

I’m sure I’m not the first person to rail against people who, despite signs imploring that they not do so, still insist on wearing “fragrance” to the gym. I’m sure someone’s written a venomous treatise about it somewhere on the internet or in a magazine or maybe just carved it into the flesh of one of their frat brothers. But that doesn’t mean I can’t add my vitriol to the heap, does it?
Of course not.
So let me just say this to all the cretins who think it’s a good idea to anoint themselves with all manner of creams, gels, balms, salves, perfumes, colognes, and body splashes before working out, with a special “shout out” to the dimwits whose particular brand of offending potion contains coconut:

You stink.
If you want to wear that revolting garbage, please do so on your own time. At home, feel free to slather that slop on to your idiotic heart’s content. Empty as many jars, bottles, or tubes of it as you like onto a bright blue tarp in your family room, take off your terrycloth track suit, and get down. Start off on your back. Just soak in it. Then flip over and slide all around on your stomach. Splash yourself. Flail. Fumble. Wallow. Slip around. Pretend you’re a jalapeño and you want to batter yourself up to “popper” status. Pretend you’re like “a pig in mud” — but realize you’ll never be as cute as the pig. Or as tasty as any popper.
I don’t know if you know this, but, like, the nose and throat are, you know, connected ‘n’ stuff. So when I am subjected to the hideous stench created by your zealous devotion to the potion, I not only smell it but taste it as well. And while a tiny tiny tiny (and I really do mean tiiiiiiiiiiiiny) tidbit is fine (think the size of one of those miniscule spoons that ice creams places use to give you a taste), it’s just way too much when the smell is so thick that I can spread it on crackers like paté or mold it into a patty and put it on the grill. When the smell is so dense that it fills my mouth and my instincts tell me to chew, that’s when you’ve just gotta stop it.
I might also add that when you start to sweat (as some of you eventually do while at the gym), the smell not only intensifies but worsens as it mingles with the natural scent of your body. So the body odor that you think you’re avoiding or masking by dousing yourself with “fragrance” is actually made worse.
So, c’mon. Please. Knock it off. And I promise, I’ll stop making a stink when you do.