I’ll Never Tell

OK, so remember how Suave’s advertising used to always taunt us with their “We’ll never tell” campaign? They’d show two lovely ladies with gleaming tresses, one of whom used Suave and one of whom used a more expensive shampoo, and we, the envious straw-haired masses, would marvel that both achieved the same result. Suave never let us in on who used what, much to the hair-pulling dismay of some of us. Well, that’s all in the past now. That dose of ‘do delight has gone the way of the dodo. It’s so … dis-tressing.
Now Suave has decided to demystify everything it worked so long and hard to achieve, and is inviting the world to play along. I refuse, on nostalgic grounds. At least openly. Secretly, of course, I will be taking the challenge in about two minutes. (I guess it’s not a secret anymore, then, is it? IS IT?) I’m already anxious about it.
All of that, leading up to this: I invite you to guess which of the following seven things I actually said today:

  1. If you love the squeegee so much, why don’t you marry it?
  2. Your name is mud, buster.
  3. If the shoe fits, buy it in every color … even if it’s not on sale!
  4. Did they just, like, invent French Bulldogs in the past three years? Is that why I’ve never seen an old one?
  5. Where are the fucking Brillo pads?
  6. It ain’t easy being green.
  7. You’re the soy creamer in my iced coffee.

I am giving you the opportunity to comment … so run with it!
And of course, regarding the real answer: I’ll never tell.

Hasn’t she used that sound clip before? Why, yes. Yes, she has. (Bonus points if anyone can identify the movie from whence that singsong line came.)