I’ve been pondering a lot lately. Pondering and wondering, sometimes while wandering. And marvelling, as I just looked at all those words, that dang it all to heck and back, the English langwitch sure is bonkers what with its pronunciation.
A recent life-threatening situation involving the life of someone I hold extremely near and dear has caused me to start thinking of “the big picture”. I would like to share some of these musings with you, because, if nothing else, I live to share my soul with the universe. In the past, I may have been somewhat stingy with my soul, and I know you were discussing this behind me and my soul’s back. “Is her soul incapable of appreciating anything but vegetarian lunches and every dog on the planet?” you wondered. (See, you wonder too.) (We have so much in common, you and I.)
While there is still room in my soul for lunches and dogs, I have now expanded my repertoire to include deeper fare, a sampling of which I will share with you now, as follows:
- Every time I see a male, in profile, handling a hose, and water is shooting out of that hose, and the hose is, invariably, held by his crotch, I instantly think, “Ewww” and “Doesn’t he know it evokes images of him peeing?”
- Every time I see a pregnant woman (as opposed to?), I think, “You fucked someone.” If I ask her how far along she is, I then count back to the month in which she did the fucking, and I envision her and whomever she fucked (he would be both the fuckor and the fuckee, I always note as an aside), and I imagine the two of them in an environment appropriate to the season. For instance, if I see her toward the end of June and she tells me she is in her sixth month, I immediately place her in a snowflake-pattern sweater and no pants, in a charming Alpine ski lodge complete with roaring fire and mini-marshmallowed hot chocolate.
- When facing a person with a “lazy eye”, which of his eyes do you focus on when making eye contact? Do you focus on the strong eye, thus pretending you do not notice the other eye isn’t keeping up its end of the bargain? Or do you focus on the ne’er-do-well eye, forcing it to pick up some of the slack?
And now, because I still need to retain the parts of myself that I hold nearest and dearest, I must show you two of the most glorious things in all the land: