Why Meme? (again)

Damn you, Miz Shoes (if indeed that is your real name). I can’t believe you wrangled me into doing this. It was bad enough I was victimized by this “meme” malarkey back in May, and bad enough that I actually gave in and participated. But now, THIS? What’s next? I’ll slap on a sticky-backed name tag that will tear the fragile fabric of my shirt and meet a bunch of social misfits at a hideous “blog meet-up” … willingly?
So without further ado, and with a big FUCK YOU (with love) to Miz Shoes, I present my answers.
7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) Time
2) Learn how to wrap round gifts
3) Petition the U.S. Mint to bring back the haypenny
4) Wear a dress
5) Breastfeed in Yankee Stadium
6) Make hay while the sun shines
7) Invent a super-duper, cherry-flavored NO-DIE SERUM!!!!!
7 things I can do:
1) Make a porcini and leek risotto so tasty it makes people weep
2) Walk faster than anyone you have ever seen (even in high heels, ladies!), without doing the annoying “power-walk” arm thing
3) Reduce grown lawyers to tears (see, the lachrymosity is a trend)
4) Speak gibberish so well you will swear to Plomkrish it is a real language
5) Saw a pretty lady in half
6) Bypass my gag reflex (and here I turn and leer into the camera like Mr. Roper)
7) Cry on cue (what’d I say about that trend?)
7 things I cannot do:
1) Say the word “fart” without wanting to kill myself or hear someone else say it without wanting to kill that person
2) Sew
3) Father any more children 🙁
4) Be seen in public with a man wearing pleated pants
5) Be a passenger in a car without saying I’m going to get nauseated (usually followed by bona fide nausea)
6) Pass any dog without smiling at or greeting it
7) Pretend I think “going to the shore” is a real vacation
7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1) The ability to compose a compound complex sentence that makes sense, complete with impeccable spelling and grammar
2) A brain, especially one that feeds on books
3) A sick, dark, twisted sense of humor, including self-deprecation
4) A love of all animals
5) Sensitivity without being a pussy about it
6) Slenderness, including legs made of Charleston Chew
7) Musical/creative ability (bonus points for playing something other than the guitar, even though the guitar, too, is nice)
7 things that I say most often:
1) Jesusfuckingchrist! MOOOOVE!
2) This isn’t Podunk!
3) Hi, puppy!
4) You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.
5) Don’t question me.
6) Plim!
7) Pilates made me who I am today.
7 celebrity crushes:
1) Johnny Depp
2) Marty Casey
3) Kelly Ripa (Shut up. I can’t help it.)
4) The Cottonelle puppies
5) Aiden Turner
6) Mikhail Barishnykov
7) Hank Azaria
7 people I want to do this (Mz. Shoes’s disclaimer applies here as well: anyone not on the list who’d like to play is invited, and no one I’ve tagged should feel obligated):
1) Scott
2) Matt
3) Bob
These first three because they’ve “tagged” ME before, and I sooo believe in “tit for tat”.
4) Chris, because he still “owes” me responses to the May meme and I know he wants/needs/craves this additional pressure
5) Sarah, because she only has five kids
6) Pete, who I am willing to bet your life won’t do it
7) Zappos.com, because no one said you cannot “tag” your favorite online shoe source that provides excellent customer service
Update, 1:57 p.m.:  Now that I have calmed down from the frenzy of the meme, I must say that, contrary to what I indicated above, I don’t think Scott ever asked me to participate in a meme. In fact, he recently had a meme on his site and purposely did not include me. So … sorry, Scott. I did not mean to malign you. You are still “tagged”, though.