Dear Busloads of Tourists Shambling Through the Columbus Circle Whole Foods:
I understand that you may not be accustomed to witnessing such a splendid array of food at the Sup’r Stop-n-Shop in your applecart hometown. I know that, to you, seeing a crimini mushroom lounging nonchalantly in the produce section is as shocking as having your ass jostled almost to the point of fondling while on the subway (aside: it is very cute the way you like to parrot the recording and say, “Stand clear of the closing doors, please” while facing each other in a circle around one of the poles!), but you must be made aware that this is the place where I do my Saturday morning “thing”. What is jaw-dropping to you is just food-shopping to me.
Now, while I can certainly appreciate the allure of the exotic Asian pear, the marvel of the apple that is neither Red Delicious nor Granny Smith, the wonder of breads other than white, the glory of fresh-baked chocolate chip scones, and the beauty of a dairy section stocked with more yogurt than your cows at home could produce in a year, I cannot appreciate your appreciation of this magnificence when your poorly-dressed, too well-fed, inert to the point of catatonia bodies clog the aisles down which I am attempting to newyorkly maneuver my cart.
Welcome to the city. Enjoy your stay. And get the fuck out of my way.
Best regards,

P.S. Yes, the items in the store are expensive. Yes. They are. Yes. I know it would be cheaper in Comatown or Plosgravia or wherever you live. I know.