Céline Solution

Dear Louis-Ferdinand Céline:
I cannot put Death on the Installment Plan down. It is keeping me from taking a shower because I do not want to turn its almost-600 pages into a sodden lump of pulp. If you were aware of my dedication to personal hygiene, you would realize the enormity of this sacrifice. But thanks to you and your book, I am now a filthy, greasy, Medusa-headed scumbag.
You are a brilliant, dirty-minded, pud-pulling bastard, and what makes it even more insanely delicious is that you wrote this tome in the ’30s, when it was scandalous to do so. With your permission, I would like to exhume your worm-ridden, eyeless corpse, refashion it into some semblance of a living human being, dress it in finery, and take it out for tea.
Yours in grime,