A Cry for ‘elp

I need an onion or two, but do not feel like braving the tuber-crazed throngs at the local onion shoppe. So if you know of a Cockney girl — a wide-eyed, coal-nosed ragamuffin dressed in tattered tweed and shabby black boots — who would like to come to my door with a basket of onions for sale for a tuppence, purloined from a rich neighbor’s onion tree to keep her and her family in knickers and newsboy caps for the winter, please have her email me, and I will tell her where to go.
In other news, I respectfully do not care what books you read or movies you saw in 2006. Or what your resolutions for 2007 are — especially if they include reading more books or seeing more movies.
Thank you.
And double thank you if you can provide the onion lass.