I’ve got just three li’l itsy bitsy (kicksy me for that) things to get off my chest. I need the space, kidz, not just for my enormous jugs (titsy?) but for the advertising space. So now, without further fanfare, I present to you those three things:
- The word regime is not the same as regimen. Update before even posting this: In doing my research (because I’m not just a math geek, I’m a word dork), I just read on dictionary.com that I may be wr-wr-wr___; to wit: “A regulated system, as of diet and exercise; a regimen.” However, I suspect that this definition has been included to accommodate modern poor usage, just like “alright” is now considered an acceptable alternative for “all right”. I am quite the purist (please feel free to picture me in pilgrim garb, which, of course, is delightfully seasonal), so this rankles the hell out of me.
- I implore the cashiers at Gap and Banana Republic to refrain from saying, to the next customer in line, “May I help the following customer?” Please know that unless you have a roster of customers’ names and will name the next one, as if it is preceded by a colon (the punctuation kind, not the visceral), this is just wrong. (See? I can type “wrong” when it is not I who is in it [the wrong].)
- “Everyday” is not the same as “every day”. The former is an adjective, to be used when you desire a more syllabic alternative to “daily” or maybe “common”. The latter is to be used when you mean you do something, uhm, every day. (It’s self-explanatory!) Writing “I watch 14 hours of television everyday while in my baggy, elastic-decrepit underpants, sipping a chococcino” is wrong, and perhaps even more wrong than watching TV to excess and/or wearing shabby underpants and/or, yes, allowing the word “chococcino” out in the wild.
Oh, and one more thing: If you don’t want me eating it, don’t make them look so much alike:
At least make one wear a kicky wide headband, like Cathy did to set her apart from Patty in “The Patty Duke Show”, okay?
Would “You light up my life” be too cheesy to respond with?
You’re lowballing your self, Jodi! I’d pay at least $30 for you!
I’ve heard that everyone has her price, Jodi …
But at IKEA????
You cheap whore. I charge TWICE that. I know price fixing is illegal in some states but COME ON!!! How am I supposed to get any business if people can just make a hop, skip, and a jump from Texas to New York and have twice the quality for half the price? …and I thought everything was cheaper in Texas.
KNEEL BEFORE JOD
She’d never bother, with people she’d hate. That’s why the lady is a lamp.
A bargain at any price, but a steal at that one. I’ll take two.
I’m speechless. Completely left without response. So devoid of any sort of mundane chattery, I will not even mention that you just flashed your smooth, inked box for the entire world to gawk at.
I am speechless. Grabbing my wallet, but speechless none the less.
(BTW – Do you have somewhere I can swipe my credit card?)
“Lady is a Lamp.” Kills me. I will enjoy that one all day.
And oh what a switch to flick.
What a bunch of delightful degenerates. Keep it coming!
I’ve had you for a lot less.
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