I’ve got just three li’l itsy bitsy (kicksy me for that) things to get off my chest. I need the space, kidz, not just for my enormous jugs (titsy?) but for the advertising space. So now, without further fanfare, I present to you those three things:

1. The word regime is not the same as regimen. Update before even posting this:  In doing my research (because I’m not just a math geek, I’m a word dork), I just read on dictionary.com that I may be wr-wr-wr___; to wit: “A regulated system, as of diet and exercise; a regimen.” However, I suspect that this definition has been included to accommodate modern poor usage, just like “alright” is now considered an acceptable alternative for “all right”. I am quite the purist (please feel free to picture me in pilgrim garb, which, of course, is delightfully seasonal), so this rankles the hell out of me.
2. I implore the cashiers at Gap and Banana Republic to refrain from saying, to the next customer in line, “May I help the following customer?” Please know that unless you have a roster of customers’ names and will name the next one, as if it is preceded by a colon (the punctuation kind, not the visceral), this is just wrong. (See? I can type “wrong” when it is not I who is in it [the wrong].)
3. “Everyday” is not the same as “every day”. The former is an adjective, to be used when you desire a more syllabic alternative to “daily” or maybe “common”. The latter is to be used when you mean you do something, uhm, every day. (It’s self-explanatory!) Writing “I watch 14 hours of television everyday while in my baggy, elastic-decrepit underpants, sipping a chococcino” is wrong, and perhaps even more wrong than watching TV to excess and/or wearing shabby underpants and/or, yes, allowing the word “chococcino” out in the wild.

Oh, and one more thing: If you don’t want me eating it, don’t make them look so much alike:

 
At least make one wear a kicky wide headband, like Cathy did to set her apart from Patty in “The Patty Duke Show”, okay?