How Lawful!

Today while gleefully multi-tasking, I heard a report on the news about two men who, upon finding their friend dead in his apartment, decided to take advantage of his unfortunate condition. They settled him in a wheelchair, pushed him down Ninth Avenue to a bank (or something like that — as I said, I was multi-tasking and apparently the other task I was multi-ing was a priority and thus I did not pay attention to all the details) and used his identification to procure funds in his name. The news anchor said (paraphrased), “In New York City, it is not illegal to wheel a dead body down the street, provided you have not murdered the person.”
Usually when you hear these sorts of wacky laws, you think of the outdated stuff you may have amused yourself with on the internet, such as those found here and here. I learned on the first site that in Wisconsin, “It is illegal for a restaurant to serve apple pie without cheese.” Although I did not witness anyone committing this crime while there over “the holidays”, I did fear I was about to risk incarceration when I ordered a grilled vegetable salad without the feta. Apparently, though, this is not a feta-ral crime, so I was let off with a stern expression (facial only) of disappointment from the waiter and was still permitted to roam free throughout the state for the duration of my stay.
Anyway, because I do not have sufficient time today to amuse you, please check out those time-sucking links I provided, and feel free to comment about anything you find that tickles your fancy or, in the alternative, fancies your tickle. Here there is no law against either.
CORRECTION, 11 January 2008, 4:58 p.m.:   It was an office chair, not a wheelchair. And a check-cashing place, not a bank. But hey, the effect is still pretty much the same, right? (Right.)

0 thoughts on “How Lawful!

  1. Thank you! “Daily Regime?” What, is this a banana republic (where the fashonable khakis are made for a few cents, not where they are sold for $79) where the government changes daily? If you mean regimen, say regimen. Secondary definitions are always (not all ways) bullshit.
    I suppose the whole “following” fiasco is like the ofTen fiasco. trying hard, but at the end of the day, just not that smart.
    And of course, since I used the word “following”, you are now at the next paragraph, looking for a fiasco. Alas, I will make no references to colons.
    Patty Duke? Well done!

  2. I heard that if you eat silica gel (do not eat!), the packet absorbs water in your stomach and it expands until it bursts your stomach and then all of your food dribbles down the inside of your body to your feet where it pools and rots until maggots grow in it and then the maggots eat their way out of your toes and sit in your shoes where they form a rudimentary government to pass the time and then before you know it they have developed nukes which they use against your knees and so your knees blow up and you fall over and scream.
    That’s what I heard.

  3. If there is a government of nuclear- (not nuke-u-lar, Georgy) weapons-bearing maggots festering in Jodi’s shoes, would that qualify as a larval regime practicing a hateful regimen of munching and defecating in their conquest to take over the knees, following the following: a drizzly march up the stubble-infested plains of a pair of non-waxed thighs?

  4. Chococcino? When I was young, we were happy to have a cup of steam… in a cracked cup… but we were happy then, even though we were poor. I remember getting up half an hour before I went to bed with nothing but a small frog and a slice of yak cheese to give me the energy to work those 8-day weeks. You wouldn’t know about that would you? Safely tucked away in your Manhattan penthouse being fed peeled grapes (black ones) by adoring sycophants. Alas, all that decadence doesn’t equal a dessicant sack of happiness, does it?
    -Korean Korrespondent-

  5. Regime to me will always be your government in which you will force us lard-asses into a healthy regimen (although 75 pounds shed would make my time in your regimen short, affording me a faster entrance into your “stud stable”.)
    If any cashier were to say, “May I help the following customer”, in MY presence. I would prevent anyone from going to the dolt until he read aloud the name of the customer he was going to help.
    Word bastardization is how Latin and German spawned the love child that is Engrish.
    So, which one did YOU want to “eat”, Cathy or Patty?

  6. If I were the first person in line, and the cashier kept asking the following person to step forward, I’d think after 10 or 11 of the people behind me passed me by to proceed with their otherwise patheticaly paltry lives, I might be forced to line-jump to the end of the line, where as the line prgressed, inevitably I, too, would end up being called before the poor sould I’d left in my stead in this terribly wretched game of follow the leader.

  7. I am happily typing in this on my newly-repaired APPLE POWERBOOK, the use of which WAS my daily regimen and shall again be so. Hurrah AND Huzzah!

    I don’t think anyone is following me, but then paranoia was never my big problem.

    I don’t understand why people in “the East” don’t just save those little desiccant packets and then put them in a basket or other such container and use them rather than an expensive DE-humidifier (the concept of which is a little difficult to understand when here in the “Mountain West” we often use humidifiers so that we don’t have wanton constant nosebleeds or become so dessicated that we turn into mere wee DNA dust piles). I saved a whole bag-full of those desiccant packets and capsules as a clever gift to give to my Baby Brother and Sister-in-law the last time they were here (they live “back East,” you know). They balked a little at the idea of taking a bag chock-full of those little things on an airplane.

    So now I must wonder: CAN you make bombs from desiccants or could you just place them on unsuspecting people whilst they sleep and make them have small extra-dry spots?

  8. jamie –
    can you pass me a dictionary? I can’t read the pictures placed in front of me well enough to spell ‘desiccant’ correctly.

  9. I’m sure the people at Banana Republic are also
    saying “That’s a whole nother story”?
    Instead of “That’s a whole other story” or “That’s another story.”
    Redo your blog and add that please!

  10. “Ds, are you having Jamie hallucinations? She hasn’t been here… yet.”
    …And since I am not a follower (because I can’t “follow” My job in life is to sit pretty and smile every day, not worry my head with thinking and stuff.) I’m not comming either…woops! I…came, didn’t I? It was the whole “tiny maggot regime marching up Jodi’s thighs” fiasco that did it.
    Since I’m here, what’s a dicktionary, Ds? Do they sell those at Banana Republic?

  11. Ds

    I’ve been vacillating (as to your request) between, “That’s what SHE said,” and “Please keep your Cowper’s fluid to yourself.”

    Shall we vote for the more obscure?

  12. Kate –
    You may vacillate, shilly-shally, fluctuate, dither, waffle, waver, straddle, oscillate, seesaw, wobble, quiver, shudder, tremble, lurch, and scream in tongues all you want for all I care. But please, don’t call me obscure. I’m obtuse.
    But since you’re ‘cute, it all works out positiviely in the end.

  13. Ah, Ds,
    Lover of your Thesaurus (as I),

    You KNOW I was calling the pre-ejaculate reference “obscure.” It goes without saying that you are obtuse, bless your lil’ heart.

    As for my being “‘cute” I’ll have to assume you are contracting “acute.” What with the apostrophe.

    Hmm. that can be “dire, dreadful, terrible, awful, BAD”, etc., or, (lesser-used, naturally) “keen, sharp, good”, etc. – oh – and “penetrating.” Must not be that variant.

    You’ll have to enlighten me. But thanks ever-so for being positive about my end. It’s hard to miss.

  14. I contracted acute tonsillitis once, but that’s the only acute contraction I’m aware of. And although I was unaware of the obscure ‘penetrating’ reference, I am keenly aware that you purpusely put it near the end; the reference to your end; the one that’s hard to miss.
    “Arrows at the ready, lads!”
    “Let loose!”

  15. Did you ever write on the disrespect thing? Its use as a verb should be outlawed! Also: “subbosably.” Is this a word? Aren’t users really in need of “supposedly?” (Also, should I be placing quotes inside or outside of other punctuation?)

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