Swiss Chide

On Saturday morning, while at Whole Foods, I came upon this brilliant display:

Swiss Chard
I quickly fumbled for my camera, not wanting to lose the shot lest my subject either cover itself up in a moment of modesty or run for cover for a reason I would never know. Greens can be very fickle.
I suppose my enthusiastic coaching and coaxing, including the typical “Beautiful, baby, beautiful” and a more personal “That’s it, Swiss Miss, show me your stalks” wasn’t as inconspicuous as I thought, because within seconds of taking the photos, a man whose job it is to arrange, water, and preen the greens said, “Miss! Miss! No photos, Miss!”
“Excuse me?” I said.
“No! No photos!” He shook his head and waved his hand at me to complete the three-part chide. Just in case I did not know what “no” meant. (N.B. Scientific studies have shown that 52% of the time I do not.) (Note to plaintiff’s counsel: You cannot use this information in your case against me.)
“Are you serious?” I said.
He was.
“Oh my GOD, ” I said. “Why?”
He did not answer.
“I know you don’t make the rules here,” I said with a laugh that I considered both conciliatory and gracious, “but that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” Of course this was hyperbole. I have indeed heard things that are just as, if not even more, ridiculous, including someone saying they think Carrot Top is “kinda hot” and “No, Jodi, I do not find ‘the little boy with his finger in the dyke’ hilarious.”
Of course, I wanted to shout, in a fit of lack of originality, “You know what? This place should be known as Ass(w)hole Foods! Bleeeeeeeee!” and bolt from the store, but instead I vowed to get back at Whole Foods and show them a thing or two by showing the world at large not just one but two forbidden photos. That’s just the kind of maverick I am. Look:

Swiss Chard (Reprise)
About 45 minutes later, I was safely above ground with three bags of newly purchased food and two purloined photos inside my camera, giddy with power. “I will not be silenced!” I whispered through gritted teeth. “The world must know!”
Any reservations I may have had were quickly dispelled once I encountered this four-year-old Bulldog named Dixie, whom I had the extreme pleasure of meeting less than a minute after surfacing:

dixiepup1.jpg dixiepup.jpg
It is illegal in this state for a dogface to be this adorable, but Dixie had no problem flouting the law. And now, thanks to her encouragement, neither do I.

0 thoughts on “Swiss Chide

  1. Band: Cura te ipsum (1)
    Album: Easiest Person To Fool. (2)
    And I have an impressionist picture of Jodi lounging on a chaise and gazing longingly in my direction. Think I’m kidding? Check out:
    1. Cura te ipsum (“Take care of your own self!”) is a Latin injunction, urging physicians to care for and heal themselves first, before dealing with patients.
    2. (Richard Feynman (1918 – 1988), Caltech commencement address, 1974)

  2. I have the sophmore album by Cura te ipsum, the one where they replaced the lead singer because he totally got pissed about the teenaged girl being violated on the tour bus last year..
    The album is “…not raise your price”. Totally showing that they aren’t sellouts, right? And the scene is a highway taken by a camera with the lenscap off, so you get all the blurs of the headlights/tail lights. It represents the tour, the road, and their dedication to deflowering young girls whose parents felt really guilty about not being able to get Hanna Montana tickets so they bought them tickets and backstage passes to that literate sounding band’s concert.

  3. I think it’s great fun, too, Brad. I thought more people would be doing it and posting their results here — without having to be told that it’s okay to do so. So … come on, people! Play along, damn it.

  4. We’re going to do Jodi in stocks? Be still my heart…
    Oh wait, that was Jodistock. Jodi in stocks is a diferent thread. Sorry.

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