FedEx is dead to me

Can someone help me out?
You know this company called FedEx? The one that, in a modern spin on the ol’ rain/snow/sleet/hail mantra of the United States Postal Service, tells us they’ll get us our packages on time, no matter what? The one that prides itself on being the end-all and be-all of expedient shipping?
Well, they can kiss my FuckingAss.
A package that was to have reached me no later than 4:30 yesterday afternoon is still not here, despite five calls to find out where the FedFux it is. Despite pleas in which, in as close a proximation of calmness as I can muster under the circumstances, I basically tell the customer service representatives that life as we know it will end if I do not get this package, as it contains a freshly harvested still-beating luscious red heart that must be transplanted into the already-ratcheted-open near-dead body of the only person on the planet who knows a surefire cure for cancer and also how LOST is going to pan out, the package is still not here in my hot(t) little hands.
So, tell me. Because my package was being delivered with the two-day service, does the promise of the slogan therefore not apply? Does “when it absolutely has to be there overnight” not translate into a similar promise for two-day deliveries? Or are they the lowest man on the totem pole, the Cindy Brady of the bunch?
Any insight, input, or buckshot with which to riddle the body of the driver when he finally arrives here would be greatly appreciated.

0 thoughts on “FedEx is dead to me

  1. Hard to believe he caught it when you added new raisins. Your parents reared some very alert kids.
    My brother wouldn’t have noticed if I’d added rabbit turds back when we were kids. He barely chewed the cereal he’d scarf down, he was so hyper.

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