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I hate when people grab other people’s “shticks” (although not their rhymes-withs, boys, because that I whole-hard-onnedly condone [or is that “condom”?]) and say stuff like, “Talk among yourselves” (Mike Meyers/Linda Richards) or “Can we talk?” (Joan Rivers), but, really, can we talk and then you talk among yourselves about this … this … this PEEVE of mine that I need to address?
Okay, so I know I have tons of ’em. I won’t list them all now, because that would take way too long and I know you don’t have all day (“Yeah, so get on with it, damn it!” you’re saying) (Peeve: Being interrupted), and you can just as easily, when you do have all day, dig through my archives, where you’ll find many as many peeves as you can shake a shtick at.
So. Ordinarily, I’m a rather polite person, choosing not to do publicly what is best carried out in private (although my boyfriend may tell you otherwise), but I figured that in a delightful little twist befitting the situation I am about to address, I would do something here, out in the open, anyway. The gloves (white, the better to run my finger along your dust with) are off!
Here: I like knowing you are “out there” and have something to say. I appreciate when you take the time to do so, whether in email (because you’re shy!) or in comments. Although I am delighted to be entertained in comments, I don’t care if what you say isn’t, in your estimation, particularly clever or funny or just a simple “Hey, I like what you have to say, and by the way, Jodi, you are stunning.” You are even free to disagree with me (although I will have to “hate” you for it and wish instant obesity and leprosy upon you). However, one thing I do not find cute in the least is when a comment only exists to point out that I have made a typo.
Because I do. Make a mistake from time to time. I know that shocks many of you. But I, like Britney Spears, am a human, and occasionally something will slip by my eagle-hawk-pterodactyl-eye and make its way out into the world without my noticing.
So, if you feel compelled to bring this to my attention — and I really do want to know, because I can’t stand to be seen in public being anything less than the bastion of perfection that I am — let me know via email. Or, if you’re going to correct a typo out in the open, at least provide a real comment about the content as well.
I mean, you wouldn’t like me telling you your zipper is down, but not complimenting you on what’s peeking out from it, would you?
Do I rest my case? Or do I need to beat a dead whore? (not a typo)

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