I pause typing, and click on the Gmail tab, as if by reflex or instinct, and of course don’t see any email from him. There’s no way I’ll be receiving email from him ever again. I won’t be getting the daily email he sent every morning for the past 20 years. I won’t be seeing his name in my inbox. I won’t be getting a Googles Hangout greeting throughout the day, just silliness that only the two of us would understand. I keep clicking anyway, like touching a painful tooth, not forgetting that it’s painful but not necessarily remembering either.